How It all started and where It lead me:
Sept 12, 2009: Eureka
Yesterday
was a turning point for my life. My boyfriend as usual taking full
advantage of my "*kindness whoring".
Our daily tango. I, patiently clinging to his every word. He, never expected to respect me.
When I spoke he appeared annoyed or just ignored me altogether. He even has the balls to get annoyed if I'm remotely distracted when he talking.
Every aspect of our lives together was this way. Sex, dates, decisions, money, bills, you name it. I allowed our life together to be solely and selfishly orchestrated by him.
I, giving all my power. He, wallowing in my willingness to bow.
I knew it was wrong. I wanted to be perceived as the "Nice Girl".
To pull it off I had to repeatedly stuff my feelings down. Feelings of shame, disregard and unimportance. I was surviving on fumes.
Not yet had five minutes passed that (leaving me feeling disgusting and alone) I found myself thinking; "how could I do to surprise him later"? Skipping right over my wounded spirit.
It was in that moment I posed a question to myself I never intended to answer quite the way I did. "Why do I accept this kind of torture "? I thought. Spontaneously I felt a warm glowing feeling from my head to my toes. Without shame I thought "I'm a
*Kindness Whore".
Divine intervention???
Classic *Kindness Whore
*( Aimlessly pouring out kindness to family and friends in a boundless
attempt to PLEASE , PLEASE , PLEASE AT ALL COST. Willingly gambling vital
self-esteem and allowing self to be mercilessly taken advantage of until psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually drained).
Mind you, this is all done with the best of intentions.
It was like I was looking at someone else's life.
I didn't recognize myself.
A weight seemed like it had lifted from my spirit. I was certain I didn't want this kind of life another second.
All my life I felt this100 lbs burden strapped to my torso. There were days when I even prided myself for being so strong. Wow!!
I took it upon myself to make everyone around me content even if it meant needless sacrifice. My drug of choice was to please please please, regardless. I appointed myself "Keeper of Harmony", even if ridiculously over the top.
Not just your everyday kindness. I was that person with "sucker" written on her forehead. You know, the person who always says "yes" without boundaries, but good intentions.
In the words of Oprah, "preparation meets opportunity", or flip the script and be so kind to myself the Queen of England would be jealous.
They say change happens
instantly once the mind's made-up.
I said to my boyfriend; "you know, I'm a Kindness Whore". He seemed not surprised by my discovery, but stunned by the reference to Kindness Whore.
The next thing I knew
I was blogging.
Sept 15, 2009 I'M NOT ALONE
As I listen to Whitney Huston describe her hell to Oprah I'm reminded I'm not alone.
Time and time again buying into the fear. I not good enough or deserving of mutual love and kindness.
Sometimes we wake-up to find ourselves in a hell we've painted with our own hands.
Sept 19 2009 Forgiveness
Today I want to officially forgive myself.
I got lost. I've learned a lot about myself.
The beauty of being human is the unique ability to be reborn.
I truly believe with every tragedy there's a miracle hidden within waiting to be discovered .
I discovered not only am I not weak and powerless, I posses a endless supply of tremendous strength and power.
Life can be so ironic. Just when I thought I was surely defeated I discovered a powerful weapon I never thought I had.
It wasn't my stupidity that kept me in bondage for forty- plus years; it was a child's massive fear of what she couldn't have.
I've survived more mind numbing crises before 18 than most people do in a life time. Clearly I was no punk.
My new mission: old life "Hasta La Vista, Baby."
Lot of work ahead of me.
My first order of business; not go from one extreme to the other. Balance... Easier said than done.
Sept 24 2009
In the beginning
My
father was a colorful comedian who got a lot of attention for his jokes &
vivid personality, so it was natural that I desperately wanted his attention. I thought my father was the "Magical Wizard of Wonderland". By the time I was 8ys old, I was convinced I didn't inherit
any of his charismatic talents, so I invented "the nice girl".
I was determined to be "the best
damn "nice girl" there ever was". You could have raped, robbed, and pillaged me, I'd apologize for not being a better host.
Some of my father's opening lines would be; "girl you so big, "why you so shy?, "you know you not smart enough for that lol lol". I was his muse of shame.
He would frown up with disgust; "lord child you dream'n if you think somebody's gonna want you" chuckling with a hint of disgust and assurance in his eyes. Didn't matter who was standing nearby.
The fear of not getting my father's attention was deafening.
I remember feeling like I was literally drowning without a life line and not a clue how to save myself.
This the beginning of my descent and the sound of my life's intention
screeching to a halt.
At sixteen I joined Job Corps. Once after a weekend trip home I was on my way back to campus when I missed the last bus back for the night.
Out of money and no one to call. I worried seeing I was standing in Downtown Kansas City at sunset.
Suddenly I saw my father scuffling off a bus.
Thank God I thought. "Hey dad" I said. He quickly swooped by me and ran to catch another bus. "I.. I.. have to go" he said with annoyance in his voice. But dad I don't have any money to get... the bus door slammed shut. I watched him sit in his seat without a worry in the world.
I think the trauma of yet another rejection from my father coupled with the reality of being on my own at Job Corps put me in a state of shock. I sat motionless for hours feeling dammed. I spent the night on that bus stop while pimps and women walked the streets. When I think about what could've happen to me, I shutter.
In retrospect It seemed as if my father went out of his way every chance he got to distance himself from me pointing out my "inadequacies" to the world.
That laugh always had a way of echoing down to my soul. Eventually even I had a disgust for myself. I walked around feeling like I should apologize for being scum.
It wasn't
till I was in my 30's that I became aware of my father's "dark secret of shame" so I began to investigate some more. What I found out was life shattering. The source of his shame.
"The magical wizard of wonderland". The man I once revered, the man that convinced his child she was defective, never learned to read or write.
My father was secretly illiterate and desperately ashamed. He manage to cleverly hide it for 68 years.
So many missing pieces of the puzzle became clear. Why he targeted me with his demeaning jokes. Why my father spot- lighted me as "the dummy of the family".
One of the ways he dealt with his shame was to constantly deflect his shame and any perceived threat to his dark dark secret.
When I was very little I was inquisitive, lively, and bright. I remember always asking a lots of questions. My initial personality was investigative. I was relentless to. I still am. Apparently I was the enemy in my father's mind.
Holy Spirit, it all makes sense now. All the unanswered questions. Could fear have drove my father to date only prostitutes and unsuspecting young girls? Could fear have drove drove my father to abandon his family and humiliate his kid? Could fear have robbed my father of his passion and god given talent for professional baseball? At 68 he can still hit like Babe Ruth and run like the wind with guys half his age. When he talks about baseball his eyes sparkle still...
Wow... Is that the power of fear.
Fear can and will robs us of our dreams, and drive us to unspeakable acts.
Hence, "THERE'S NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF".
I can only forgive my father and hope the Holy Spirit forgives all my trespasses.
I look forward to the future. But first, I have to painstakingly revisit my past and embrace all the pain and heal my heart before I can move forward.
Revisiting my past alloys me to resolve it with truth and a new understanding.
Sept 26 2009 The Influence
My father's influence on my self- image was catastrophic.
With a natural passion for socializing, and strong sense of family, I naturally formed an opinion about myself based solely on the one person I treasured the most; my father. "The magical wizard of wonderland".
Effectively before I learned to read, I believed I was useless, dumb, and a huge cow.
The fighter in me hatched a plan. I was going to win over my father if it was the last thing I did.
Oct 4 2009
The Queen of Nice
No means Yes,
Yes means No.
I was the Micheal Jordan of kindness.
Everyday a truck load of self-induced stress and pressure awaited me.
Handing out my most treasured possessions. Meek and running behind folks cleaning up messes. Enslaving myself and my soul to a relentless roller coaster.
Contemplating my strategy like a skilled chess player I'd
stack my plate up like a starved peasant girl. I did it for no other reason than to prove to my Father I was good for something.
Although I managed to read and write proficiently as a kid I have no real memory of school . My misguided quest consumed my time and space.
I became known as the go-to girl. The kinder I was the more requests I got and the more I couldn't say no without feeling like I was blowing my life-saving plan.
It was a constant spiral of emotions from victorious, overwhelmed, to defeated. Any attention negative or positive my father showed only fueled my delusions.
My misguided mission became a beast in it's own right.
What started out as a simple plan to win my father over suddenly became a necessary function long after my father and my dignity faded away.
Isolation
By the time I was 12 yrs old I was burned at both ends. Desperate, depressed, and Isolated.
Totally disillusioned and lost, finding the real Cherylann was like looking for a needle in a haystack.
My kindness whoring was so bionic and out of control, the only way I could stop it was to disappear into myself.
Of course ,being a naive kid, eventually I bounced back, and wasn't going down without a fight.
I had a new found energy, and a full -proof plan to get my fathers love and attention.
I was about to take "Kindness Whoring" to a new low.
Losing Todd
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